Browsing the blog archives for May, 2011

Digging a Tunnel through the Mountain

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In my experience, dealing with a traumatic loss and handling the grief is like having an insurmountable mountain right in front of you.  You have absolutely no choice but to address the mountain.  You have to dig a tunnel to the other side somehow, and you have no choice but to do it.  And no one can tell you exactly how to make your tunnel.

I remember crying when my mom was here with us right after Evangeline passed away.  I sat on the couch and said that I just couldn’t get through it, that the sadness and grief was too great.  But little by little, day by day, I dug my tunnel.  Not through anything deliberate that I did, other than just by experiencing the grief.  Expressing it to those around me.  Writing about it.  Praying and asking for prayer.  Spending time with others who had gone through the same thing.  Reading scripture and devotionals.  Slowly, the pathway through the mountain got a little bit easier, a little bit lighter.

Until one day it hit me out of the blue.  I don’t have to dig anymore.

Thoughts on Evangeline


I wasn’t planning on putting anything about this on my blog, Facebook or Twitter.  But every time I went to my home page and saw “New Addition Due in June” under “Recent Posts,” it reminded me that I have not shared the whole story.

After 3 months, not only do I feel ready to write about this publicly, but I feel that I should acknowledge her in my “online” presence.

Evangeline Grace Jacobs was born alive on January 11, 2011, at 12:20 a.m. at Riverside Methodist Hospital.  Her gestational age was 16 weeks and 3 days.  She was too young gestationally to survive more than a few moments outside of the womb.  We have pictures of her tiny face and tiny fingers. She was long and skinny, perfectly formed.

Why was she born so early?  I can’t answer that, nor can my doctor.  All that I know is that for some freakish and unexplainable reason, my water broke far too early, my body went into labor, and there was nothing that could be done to stop the whole chain of events.

And since then, I have been grieving.  While it’s getting better overall, there are some good days and some really bad days.  One thing that seems to help me is to acknowledge her.  Which brings me around to why I’m finally writing about her after three months have passed.

One of my dear friends gave me a wonderful gift recently, and I don’t think she realizes how great it was.  While we were talking on the phone, she mentioned Evangeline by name.  Not “when you lost the baby” or anything along those lines, but she said, “after you had Evangeline …”  I find it so uplifting to talk about her by name.

This was given to me by a dear friend who knows all too well how this feels.