Last month, a card from Riverside Methodist Hospital came in the mail.  It was an invitation to a Service of Remembrance which Riverside’s Perinatal Loss Committee hosts.  The event is called “Remembering Special Babies,” and the card said, “For those who have briefly touched our lives, but have forever touched our hearts.”  The event was held yesterday at the Healing Garden of the Elizabeth Blackwell Center.

We had no idea what to expect.  When we arrived, there were a large number of people, some with kids, some without and some with their own parents or siblings.  I was surprised by how many people were there until I realized that most people have been attending every year no matter how long ago their loss occurred.  This is an annual event, rain or shine.  It was a standing-room-only event with a spot for the speaker under a trellis.

When we first walked in, I saw Dr. Yvonne G., a parenting education counselor who runs the New Moms’ Group at the EBC on Tuesday afternoons.  The effect of seeing a sympathetic, familiar and friendly face was the equivalent of offering a tissue to someone already on the verge of crying.

The service was simple but beautiful.  Dr. Yvonne started by telling us what to expect in general.  A couple of the chaplains from Riverside read Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. They played a song about seasons, but we weren’t close enough to the front to be able to hear all of the words.  One of the chaplains then talked about the song and a little about dealing with the grief of perinatal loss.  She then opened it up so that families could come up one at a time to say their child’s name and date of loss.  Those who know me won’t be surprised that I was second in line to do this.  It meant a lot to say Evangeline’s name and birthdate at this event.  After this, they had tulip bulbs and shovels for everyone.  We were allowed to plant a bulb anywhere in the garden.  Ryan planted near one of the trellis posts so that we would have a good landmark to find the tulip later.

I held it together pretty well, but it tugged hard on my heart to see the other people crying through the whole event.  I am thankful that Riverside puts on this event every year.  Considering that October is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance month, it is a fitting time.

I wasn’t planning on putting anything about this on my blog, Facebook or Twitter.  But every time I went to my home page and saw “New Addition Due in June” under “Recent Posts,” it reminded me that I have not shared the whole story.

After 3 months, not only do I feel ready to write about this publicly, but I feel that I should acknowledge her in my “online” presence.

Evangeline Grace Jacobs was born alive on January 11, 2011, at 12:20 a.m. at Riverside Methodist Hospital.  Her gestational age was 16 weeks and 3 days.  She was too young gestationally to survive more than a few moments outside of the womb.  We have pictures of her tiny face and tiny fingers. She was long and skinny, perfectly formed.

Why was she born so early?  I can’t answer that, nor can my doctor.  All that I know is that for some freakish and unexplainable reason, my water broke far too early, my body went into labor, and there was nothing that could be done to stop the whole chain of events.

And since then, I have been grieving.  While it’s getting better overall, there are some good days and some really bad days.  One thing that seems to help me is to acknowledge her.  Which brings me around to why I’m finally writing about her after three months have passed.

One of my dear friends gave me a wonderful gift recently, and I don’t think she realizes how great it was.  While we were talking on the phone, she mentioned Evangeline by name.  Not “when you lost the baby” or anything along those lines, but she said, “after you had Evangeline …”  I find it so uplifting to talk about her by name.

This was given to me by a dear friend who knows all too well how this feels.

The Jacobs household will be expanding once again in late June, 2011.  Today I am 12 weeks pregnant, marking the end of the first trimester.  Although we have already told a number of friends and family, I wanted to wait until we got to this milestone before I put anything online.

And, yes, we definitely want to find out whether it is a boy or a girl at the 18-20 week ultrasound.  While it will be nice to know, the big question is whether I will be selling the multiple boxes of baby girl clothes we have stacked up in the loft.